5 Practices for Perfectionism

Perfectionism is a mindset and way of being whereby you aim to create flawlessness and be without any fault. A perfectionist is someone who may have extremely high standards or overly critical self-evaluations. They usually expect everything to be perfect and believe they have failed if its not.

Perfectionism is a very all or nothing way of thinking; it takes it to extremes – You are either perfect or a failure; with no grey in between. Some perfectionists also tend to procrastinate or avoid the task at hand, in fear that they might fail or receive harsh judgement. Their mentality might be, “well its better not to do it at all, than to try and fail.” Perfectionists may also dismiss compliments and always highlight there is room for improvement, never acknowledging their achievements or accomplishments. The tendency is to gain approval and validation from external people or sources, rather than from their sense of self.

Perfectionism can develop as a coping mechanism in response to stress from childhood. Consider the below environments:  

-       Maybe you felt like you had to earn your love. You felt like the love you received wasn’t unconditional; it was conditional. And so you learnt to earn love by being perfect

-       You might have grown up in a world where you weren’t acknowledged enough or provided the love, attention or care you needed. The only way you received what you needed, was when you were ‘perfect’ at something; school, sports or being the perfect ‘child’

-       You felt like you had to prove yourself to the people around you. So you feel that you have to prove yourself and your worth.

-       Perhaps your world was chaotic; being perfect became the only way you felt you could gain control. It provided a sense of power and direction in a world that was overwhelming and uncontained.

-       Maybe you were harshly criticized or told you were a failure if you didn’t succeed at what you did; There was a lot of pressure from society or family to be perfect and so you learnt that in order to belong, feel accepted and loved, you have to be perfect

-       Perhaps you were bullied at school; and so to avoid the bullies and the criticism, you became your perfect self so no one could fault you

-       You grew up in an abusive household (emotionally, psychologically, physically, or mentally). Being perfect was a way to fend off the abuse. So you learnt to stay perfect and quiet. This can also be a fawn response (fight/flight/freeze/fawn – yes there is a fourth one). Fawning is when you try to avoid or minimize distress or danger by pleasing or appeasing the threat (befriending the perpetrator, appeasing them, making them happy)

As you can see, perfectionism can come from a place of insecurity, low self-worth or self-esteem and a fear of failure. The problem with perfection is that it doesn’t exist. Its unattainable and an impossible reality. People hold themselves to a standard that isn’t real. It can create distress, rigid all or nothing thinking and stagnation. Perfectionism can also contribute to depression, anxiety, eating disorders or obsessive-compulsive disorders.

Its healthy to want to improve yourself, have goals and strive to be better. However it becomes problematic when your value and worth are solely based on whether you succeed or not, and when your actions or goals are fear-based rather than coming from a place of growth, love, and expansion.

For example:

Perfectionists generally believe they aren’t good enough and that they must prove/earn their worth. If they don’t succeed, they’ve failed. And so their goals and ambitions become fear-based, trying to fill an empty cup. If they can’t fill it, it remains empty.

Conversely, if you have a more adaptive way of thinking, you may already know your worth and that you are enough. Therefore anything else you achieve is a bonus and contributes to your growth and self-expansion. Your cup is already full and your worth or value doesn’t depend on whether you succeed or not. You don’t feel like you must prove yourself in order to be good enough. You already are.

Some ways in overcoming perfectionism:

1.     Let go of the rigid all or nothing mentality

The question is: is this way of thinking helpful?

Sure, it drives you to be great. But it can also stunt you, cause distress, unnecessary pressure and harsh self-judgements and criticisms.

You can actually be great at something without all the unnecessary negative pressures and consequences of perfectionism. We don’t always have to be perfect, we can also be good. Or great. Or good enough. Or just okay. Life is too precious to be chasing a standard that doesn’t exist.

It also doesn’t have to be one or the other; perfection or failure. Humans are complex; we are more suited to spectrums. At any given time, we can be anywhere on that spectrum of how well we are doing. And wherever we are, has no reflection on our innate worth or value. That is already there.

Take the pressure off yourself with such an all or nothing mentality; Whether its true or not isn’t important here. What matters is that, its not helpful.

2.     Change your language

Failure is such an extreme word. Just because you tried something and it didn’t work out, doesn’t mean you failed. It simply means it didn’t work out this time.

Take that word out of your vocabulary – its unhelpful and harsh.

If you try something and it doesn’t work out, try reframing the way you talk to yourself:

-       It didn’t work the first time but I’m just going to try again

-       I am still worthy even if this doesn’t work as I expected

-       Just because it didn’t work out doesn’t mean I am a failure – it means I am human – everyone makes mistakes

-       Nobody is perfect

-       All I can do is my best

-       Its okay if some people don’t like me – no one is liked by everyone

-       Everyone is different

-       I am not perfect, I am me and that is enough

3.     Nothing is perfect

You’ll probably say you already know that there is no such thing as perfect.

So then why are you holding yourself to an unrealistic standard?

You set your standards so high, you can’t meet them and then you end up disappointing and berating yourself because you didn’t meet your impossible standards. Cracks are what helps the light shine through the darkness. Cracks and our differences are what make us unique.

Aim to be the best you can be. Either way, take the pressure off yourself. No one is perfect.

4.     Trial and Error is a part of life

Trial and error is a part of life. As humans, it is how we learn and grow. Walking, talking, doing – literally anything we have learnt to do was through trial and error.

Allow yourself to make mistakes. There is absolutely nothing wrong with making a mistake. Maybe in your past there were was no space for mistakes; you were punished, rejected, abandoned or made to feel less than. But that is the past. Today, in this moment, you can choose a different reality and a different belief: It is okay to make mistakes. It is human to make mistakes. Its how you work through those mistakes that really matter.

Are you going to let it dictate your worth?

Stop you from trying again?

Immobilise you?

Take mistakes in your stride. Don’t be scared to mess up.

Drop your fear of trying something and it not working out. It doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough or that you aren’t worthy. It just means you are learning, growing, and improving.

5.     Practice self acceptance

I am enough.

I am worthy.

I don’t have to prove myself to anyone.

I value myself and what I have to offer.

Make mistakes on purpose.

Allow yourself to say no to people.

Celebrate when you give something a try, rather than when you succeed.

You don’t need to earn your worth, you are already worthy.

Resources:

Perfectionism:

https://psychcentral.com/health/steps-to-conquer-perfectionism#tips-to-cope

https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/perfectionism

https://hbr.org/2018/12/the-pros-and-cons-of-perfectionism-according-to-research

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Author: Cody Tonkin