Emotions 101: How To Process Your Emotions
To process our emotions means to make sense of them so that they can move through their natural course. Emotions can be processed on a mental, somatic (embodied) or emotional level.
Processing our emotions is like digesting our food. Just like our bodies identify the food source, they also need to identify the emotion. We need to name it. Our bodies break down food so that it can be digested. In a healthy system, our bodies sort out what needs to be absorbed and discard anything that doesn’t serve us. Our emotions work the same. As we experience an emotion, it needs to be felt, digested, broken down and then released. An emotion can get stuck if it hasn’t been digested in the appropriate way. When we eat food that’s rotten or bad for us, our bodies can’t digest it and it makes us physically ill. Similarly, when there is a hard or stressful emotion or experience, sometimes its harder for our bodies to digest and we try to push it away, causing it to get stuck and contributing to ill mental health.
So when we want to process our emotions, we want to help our bodies make sense of them so that they can pass through us as they need to. When you resist hard emotions or feelings, they don’t go away but merely get pushed deeper, building up the pressure. Let me explain how this can work:
Think of yourself in a pool with a ball. The ball represents your emotions. Lets say you push that ball down as hard as you can, burying it beneath the water. After a while, you start to lose energy and become exhausted from pushing it down all the time. Your arms get tired. The balls pressure under the water starts to build and you can’t push it down any longer. Your body gives away and the ball of emotion comes exploding out of the water, feeling like it’s out of your control.
This is similar to what can happen if you don’t allow your emotions to be processed as they need to be. The pressure behind the emotion builds, eventually overflowing or spilling out of you in the form of anxiety, depression or random bursts of emotion like sadness, anger or fear.
It’s about trying to allow yourself to slowly bring the ball back up the surface by releasing a little bit of pressure each time, allowing yourself to feel the feeling that needs to come up. Then when that’s passed, repeating the process again until the ball can come to the surface peacefully and you can release it.
Our bodies are inclined for natural healing. When you cut your arm, over time, your body heals the wound. Sometimes you can do things to support the healing process. You can do the same thing with your feelings. When you are experiencing difficult emotions, remember that your body will naturally heal itself over time. But there are ways in which you can support your mind and body to help it heal.
Here are some ways to help process feelings:
1. Name the feeling
Step 1 is naming the feeling. Being aware of its existence. Providing a language for it.
For example:
- I am feeling grief
- I am feeling sadness
- I am feeling jealous
- I am feeling joy
- I am feeling disappointed
You can’t heal what you don’t know is there. So first step is giving the feeling a name and bringing it into your awareness.
2. Allowing the feeling to be there
Step 2 is allowing the feeling to be there, without pushing it away. Giving it permission to exist. Letting it come up and staying with it. Let it move and run its course as it needs to.
Behind every emotion is energy – E – motion (E for energy; energy in motion). So what we have to do is allow the energy behind the feeling to release. Let yourself have the feeling without stopping it, fearing it, being angry with it, mentalizing or intellectualizing it.
Just notice the feeling and where you it is in your body. Bring your awareness there and stay present with it.
3. Don’t try to change the emotion in any way
Step 3 is allowing yourself to be with the emotion and where it is in your body; without judgement or trying to modify it.
Know that it is just a feeling. Drop any judgements you make about having that emotion. Try to release any urges you have in trying to control, tame or change it in any way. Resistance keeps the feeling going.
When you allow yourself to be with the emotion, it will make way for new emotions with a lighter energy behind it. Perhaps you might wax and wane between a few emotions; that’s okay. Just let your body move through whatever needs to be felt.
When you allow a feeling to be as it without resistance, it will eventually resolve. As the energy behind it is released and dissipates, so does the emotion. It might even turn into a new emotion, in which case you’d exercise the same practice.
4. Drop the judgements
You might notice as you allow the process to occur, shame, guilt, fear or anger might appear. It’s common to feel resistant to these feelings too. Practice the same thing; letting go of the reaction of having these feelings in the first place.
For example, maybe you feel angry but then you feel guilty for feeling that way. In this instance, let go of the guilt you have about feeling angry in the first place and then once that’s released, be with the original feeling of anger itself.
5. Release any thoughts
When you are being with your emotions, ignore all thoughts. Focus on the feeling and the feeling only. Notice the feeling in your body; bring your attention to where you feel it. Thoughts take away from the essence of the feeling. Thoughts only give way to more thoughts and they act as a distractor from the feeling.
How do I let go of thoughts you might ask? Keep being present with how the feeling feels. When you notice yourself thinking again, stop yourself in your tracks. Release the thought. Bring your attention to your body and where you feel it and focus on that. Repeat as necessary.
Thoughts are just your bodies way of trying to explain why the feeling is there in the first place; but its not helpful right now. We just want to help your body feel what it needs to and release whatever else comes up with it. A feeling might exist simply due to the pressure build up and energy behind it.
You don’t need to have a reason to feel a feeling; sometimes feelings are automatic too. But when you try to attach meaning or a story to the feeling all the time, it leads to rationalizations that can be preconceived, untrue and based on your opinion. All in all, this isn’t helpful.
6. Notice what your body wants to do
Maybe you notice with the emotion comes big energy; you feel the urge to lash out, to cry, to scream or to run. Sometimes our bodies need to be still to allow space for our emotions to come up. However at other times, movement can help our bodies release any pent up energy.
Imagine the emotion like a wave of liquid in your body and you need to move to help the flow of it.
· If you need to cry, let yourself cry - Water is cleansing in all forms.
· Exercise - run, walk, lift weights, do boxing – moving your body helps your body release the excess energy behind the emotions
· Shake- shake your body on the spot for a minimum of 2 minutes
· Breathe – deep breaths around the emotion; as you breathe in, imagine the air surrounding the emotion and as you breathe out, imagine the energy of the emotion leaving your body with your breathe
· Walk – when we walk, our bodies uses bilateral stimulation and help our brains process the information
· Dance – put on some music and dance as you need to
· Lash out healthily – punch a pillow, throw a pillow towards the ground, do boxing, run on the spot. If you feel the need to kick or hit, do it in a safe space, with soft surroundings
· Hum – open your mouth wide and say “aaaahhhhhh” until you’re out of breathe. Repeat. You can also yell or scream if you need to.
· Stretch – as you feel what you need to, do deep stretches standing up from head to toe whilst you breathe deeply
· Hold yourself – maybe you need to be held as you feel; this can help you feel grounded. Give yourself a big hug and notice the sensations of your arms holding you.
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When processing our emotions there are a few things to remember:
· The more you resist it, the bigger it will get over time
· Feelings are temporary; they will pass
· Feelings aren’t dangerous
· Feelings are just feelings until you attach a thought to them
So the next time you feel an emotion, try practicing some to these steps for as long as you need to. Don’t fear your emotions, they are what make us human.
Resources:
Book:
Letting go the pathway to surrender – Daniel Hawkins
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Author: Cody Tonkin