What To Do When You or Your Partner Feel Triggered
Triggered is when you respond to something or someone that can bring up emotional experiences that are usually intense in nature. Usually this can consist of painful memories or emotions. Anything can be a trigger, a story, a person, a feeling, sound, smell, taste, sight or touch. If you have an open cut on your arm and you touch it, you’ll wince. But if the cut is healed, you won’t flinch.
When you’re triggered, its revealing to you a wound or a trauma that hasn’t yet been healed or resolved within yourself. When this occurs, you tend to regress back to the person you were when that trauma or wound happened.
So if something happened when you were 5, or 12, or 21, you become that younger version of yourself. You enter back into the flight/fight/freeze or fawn state you were in during that moment and at times, it can feel as though you are re-experiencing the same emotions and the stress response related to that emotion. Situations may vary but the feeling you are being made to feel is the same.
For partner
So lets say you’re in an argument with your partner, or you notice they’re feeling triggered.
Instead of trying to solve their problem or continue to argue, ask yourself:
How old is the person I’m talking with right now?
Because you might actually be speaking to the 5 or 12 year old version of them.
Then ask yourself:
What does my partner need from me right now?
Would you argue with a child? Or yell back at them?
You would give them love, affection, re-assurance and probably a hug.
This can be very difficult if you are also triggered. But if both of you are heightened, no conversation will be productive as you are both in fight or flight mode and probably aren’t thinking very clearly. It’s good to let yourselves calm, slow down and come back to base to be able to productively communicate with one another. Attending to each other’s primal needs first can also help disarm defences.
For yourself
Take each time you are triggered as an opportunity to learn and be curious about yourself.
Reflect on what’s being triggered for you.
Why?
Does it remind you of a memory?
Of a situation? Of a person? What’s your earliest memory associated with these people or places?
Then the key is to do the same with yourself, ask; how old is this version of me?
What do they need to hear?
Its going to be okay.
You’re safe now.
You are worthy.
You can do this.
You are loved.
You are enough.
Once you know what your younger self needs to hear, practice this:
Put one hand on your chest and another on your stomach.
Close your eyes or lower your gaze and take in 3 deep breaths.
Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.
Now repeat to yourself (at least 3 times) whatever it was that you needed to hear as you breathe in:
I am safe.
I am okay.
I am worthy.
I am enough.
I am loved.
I can do this.
Repeat until you feel back to baseline.
With practice, you will be able to learn to self soothe when you do feel triggered and re-teach and re-wire your nervous system to learn that the threat has passed, and you are okay.
-
Mental Health Contact Numbers:
Relationships Australia
1300 364 277
LIFELINE - 24 hours/7 days
13 11 14
BEYOND BLUE SUPPORT SERVICE - 24 hours/7 days
1300 224 636
SANE - 10am-10pm/weekdays
1800 187 263
Please note that if you are in un unsafe situation with your partner to keep yourself safe and call 000 in an emergency. See contact numbers above.
Author: Cody Tonkin